8 Office Holiday Party Faux Pas to Avoid at All Costs
From: Norm Barkley, Regional Office Manager
Sent: Monday, November 24, 2008 3:27 PM
To: All Employees of Donner-Blitzen Associates
Subject: This Year’s Office Christmas Party
This year’s office Christmas party will be held at the Summit Inn on December 18.
Many of you have contacted the planning committee to express dissatisfaction with the date and location. However, as many of you are well aware, the Elk Lodge has refused to host any further Donner-Blitzen Associates events following last year’s party. I can’t discuss it in detail due to the pending litigation, but suffice to say that the damage to the women’s restroom in particular has proven to be a sticking point for the fine folks at the Elk Lodge.
And, with regards to the date: December 18 is a Thursday. This change was made at the request of Human Resources, who are of the opinion that holding the party on a weekday night will greatly reduce alcohol consumption. I don’t agree with the decision personally, as my father was an alcoholic in the classic sense; he drank every single day of his adult life. Any particular day of the week didn’t seem to slow him down at all.
I do think that, regardless of blood alcohol content, there are certain activities that have plagued us in the past that are wholly inexcusable. Here is a list of eight faux pas, based on our company’s past experience, that outline what I consider unacceptable. (I won’t name names, except in the cases where everyone already knows who I’m talking about anyway.)
1. Volunteering for magic tricks without any undergarments. This also falls under the dress code guideline that prohibits “an observable lack of undergarments.” It also applies to the woman in a skirt from Receiving who flashed her Little Miss Muffett when the magician levitated her above the stage two years ago.
2. Starting a game of full-contact football using a fruitcake. According to our insurance company,“fruitball” is a major liability. Any combination of rough-housing and foodstuffs will be grounds for termination.
3. Wearing reindeer antlers and asking if anyone “wants a ride.” This goes for both males and females. And if you start crying again when no one takes you up on your offer, Gladys, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the party.
4. Wearing “Jesus sandals” and berating anyone within earshot about the “true meaning” of Christmas. We get it: “Jesus is the reason for the season.” But the reason for the office Christmas party is to be social with co-workers in a fun environment. And I don’t have to point out that the dress code applies to ALL company functions, and sandals are very clearly labeled “unacceptable.”
5. Suggesting a threesome…amongst four people. For the moment, let’s forget the inappropriateness of soliciting your co-workers to act out your sexual fantasies. Derek, you’re in the Accounting Department—are your math skills really that terrible?
6. Bringing children. Especially the smaller, louder ones. Your 30-year old son who lives in your basement should also be left at home.
7. Trying too hard to make a dramatic entrance. I don’t think we’ve had to deal with this issue too much, except for with Chad in Sales. Donning the Santa suit and landing a helicopter in the parking lot may have sounded like a good idea, but who could have predicted the ice storm that night? The helicopter crash into the Children’s Hospital next to the Elk Lodge was regrettably tragic for all involved. The children who managed to live through that blazing inferno are forever scarred from the sight of Chad’s mangled body in the Santa suit.
8. Asking an employee if he or she wants to retire to the coatroom for a quick “performance review.” Okay, this is one that I’ll admit to. The music was loud, and I wanted to take Sherry someplace quiet to discuss her performance. I’m an expressive speaker, and often arch my eyebrows suggestively and make quotation marks with my hands to illustrate a point. In this case, Sherry—and the jury that heard the case--somehow confused my message for one of sexual intent. Lesson learned, I guess.
I look forward to your full cooperation. Let’s make this the best Donner-Blitzen Associates Christmas party ever!
Regards,
Norm Barkley
Regional Office Manager
Donner-Blitzen Associates
About the Author:
Andrew Shaffer is the owner and creative director of Order of St. Nick, a humorous greeting card publisher. Take a gander at his funny Christmas cards if you a break in your workday.
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